Today is April 16th, Project Semicolon Day and I am rocking my shirt. This is a cause I believe in very strongly – to end the stigma for those struggling with depression, anxiety, grief and more. I have been through a lot recently that has gotten me down. The use of the semicolon means that things go on. I am seeing that. I actually won this t-shirt on Christmas Day through a contest on Facebook. I hardly ever win anything, so I was excited. It was also something I was considering buying anyway. Keep writing your story. I am trying to take my own advice.
It is April and it is SNOWING outside!?! What is up with this weather?
This has been a little like how I have been feeling lately. Opposition. Extremes. I am trying to get past some stuff and move on, yet the past keeps coming back around again. Two steps forward and one step back. Dancing the same dance, but wanting to change the tune. Changing a single step here and there and expecting enormous results. Unrealistic. Seeing where I want to go, but not knowing how to get there exactly. Or why I even want to go in the first place.
Below is a photo I took back in November. It was a tree that had both spring blooms and fall leaves all at once. That tree was trying to skip two steps. Sublimation. Today that tree doesn’t look very good. I guess that is the lesson to be learned. Everything has an order and you aren’t supposed to defy it. You have to go through the steps in the order they are meant to go in, and then you get to where you want to be. You don’t just walk in on the top floor. You’ve gotta work your way up to it.
So it was just Easter and Spring Break. I hibernated a little bit. I felt bad not posting, but I didn’t really feel like I had much new to say. I have been stuck lately. I am trying to do some much needed spring cleaning, both mentally and physically, but having a hard time. I am overwhelmed by the things that surround me, yet I can’t get rid of them. It is a tricky dichotomy I have found myself caught in. I want to be free of all the ‘stuff,’ but I can’t go through with it and just let go.
I need to clean my office, then I sit down at my desk and my computer beckons, and I can’t account for the last few minutes. One thing I search for leads to another and another and then what do I have to show for myself? I am driven by a need for productivity. I like to think I am researching for my writing, but it feels more like wasting time. Facebook and other social media sites are just an endless stream of data. What dribbles out of our ears and lands on the page. Some of it is helpful, some of it documents what we are doing or seeing. I love watching people’s kids grow up and seeing what everyone else is up to. But then there are so many heartbreaking stories and things happening to good people who don’t deserve them. There is also that urge to compare myself to others, to go for a walk in their shoes. There is also just such a sheer volume of information and articles to read, that it is just not possible to catch it all. I need to disconnect, yet I yearn to connect.